After a relationship collapses, there is, in addition to emotional pain, a physical pain that comes with it: a terrible, powerful punch that knocks the wind out of you. Nearly nothing can distract from its impact.

We’ve all had some painful, maybe even embarrassing breakup stories that are too cringe-worthy, too surreal to be repeated. The only thing that makes us feel better about these experiences is laughing along to other people’s equally mortifying stories. These stories will tickle your funny bone and give your broken heart a break!

Mayo vs. Mustard

"I had a girl break up with me because of a burger order. She said she wanted mustard, so naturally, I got her a burger with mustard. After the first bite, she stares at this burger for a good minute and looks up at me: 'I said I wanted mayo.' I look back at her, surprised: ‘I’m sorry, I thought you said mustard.' She makes a face: 'I hate mustard.'

Even though I clearly heard, ‘mustard’, I can see that she looks very unhappy. I feel kind of bad and offer to buy her another burger, but she says, 'No, it’s fine. I’ll eat this burger.'

Some time passes, I’m enjoying my meal and look up to see her glaring at her barely-touched burger. Seeing this, I tell her, 'I can go get you another burger, it’s really no problem,' only to have her snap defensively at me: 'I’m going to eat this burger! What makes you think I’m not?' Now I’m really annoyed. 'You’ve been staring at that burger for the past five minutes like it owes you money – let me get you another one.' For some reason, that broke her. She stormed out of the restaurant and a couple of seconds later I get a text saying, 'We’re through. Don’t unfriend me on Facebook, I want to unfriend you when I get home.'

I unfriended her first, and ate her burger."

Strange Living Arrangements

"My ex and I had booked a cruise together with another couple. Just one week before the “romantic getaway” he decided that we should break up. 'You don’t like coffee as much as I do, you don’t want to hang out with my ex-girlfriend, and you like rap – we are not compatible’ were his petty excuses. However, the cruise was already paid for in full and we were not able to get refunds, so we decided to go anyways. Coincidentally, my friend and her boyfriend broke up a month before the cruise so we all decided to just switch rooms. My friend and I had a blast hanging out in one room and our exes awkwardly roomed together in the other. The cruise definitely did not go the way it was planned, but I still had fun.

Fire Safety is Serious

“My first boyfriend actually set a small fire in the field behind my house because he was too much of a coward to break up with me. When I found out about the fire, I told him he was an idiot, but I didn't end it. He finally gathered up the courage to tell me it was over because he ‘couldn't be with someone who didn't take fire safety seriously.’ What the @$%&?”

Freckle Fetish

“When I was a college freshman, I was paired up for a project with this really cute guy in my history class, and to my delight, we really hit it off. We dated for three months and it got pretty serious; I even drove four hours to Wisconsin to meet his parents! He had a lot of freckles himself, and he always talked about how cute freckles were and how he had only dated girls with freckles in the past, but that he made “an exception” for me, ‘Because I like you so much!’ I honestly thought he was joking around about his weird freckle fetish and I even found it kind of endearing at first, but I was proven wrong.

One day he said he couldn’t do it anymore. He came over to my apartment and said we needed to talk. 'Look,’ he said. ‘I thought I could do this. I thought I liked you enough to make it work, but I just can’t get past the fact that you don’t have freckles. It almost grosses me out actually.

I had to take a full minute to process his insane reasoning. In the end, I wasn’t even mad. I knew dodged a bullet by getting rid of that weirdo.”

Scandalous Snoop

"One weekend my boyfriend wanted to take me on a weekend trip. We had dinner plans at this fancy restaurant and since this was the first time he had ever done something like this for me, I was really excited. However, when we got to the restaurant, he started acting really weird. After proclaiming he didn't like the menu, he insisted on returning to our room and ordering room service instead.

When we got back to our room, there was a card at the front door with his name on it. He opened the card, quickly read it, and threw it into his duffle bag. He looked kind of uncomfortable, but I decided to let it slide. We stayed in, watched a movie, then fell asleep. At about 2 a.m., the hotel phone started ringing like crazy. I would pick up the phone but I would only hear the dial tone. He got up and started acting really weird again. He said he wanted to go check his messages because there wasn't any cell reception in the room... at 3 in the morning.

While he was checking his messages, the card in his bag caught my eye. Out of curiosity and suspicion from the night’s events, I opened it. On it, written in far more vulgar language, was, 'I hope she was worth it.' I couldn't believe this was happening; we were at a resort trying to have a nice weekend getaway and now, it’s been ruined. Once he got back to the room, I confront him about everything that happened. His explanation was pretty weak, but since nothing like this had ever happened before, I let it slide.

Later, I stumbled across his open email and found a bunch of emails from multiple girls he was having relationships with. Needless to say, I broke up with him.

Fast forward another month, and I’m moving to Arizona to and start fresh and be with him. He had lost his business and could no longer make any payments, so I elected to support him. Dumb move. I went away for a weeklong business trip, and was welcomed back with expensive bills on his Amex card for dinners and nice hotels. That, building upon our prior trust issues led to him officially getting dumped. The whole relationship lasted for four years. The first half was pretty great, but the second half was terrible."

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