It's understandable to be apprehensive or even anxious at the start of a new relationship. Perhaps we had several relationships that started out promising only to deteriorate over time, or maybe our former partners blamed our flaws for the eventual breakup. Our past experiences (or even our lack of experience) can make us feel insecure about our intrinsic value and lovability.

More fundamentally, our insecurities may be related to our experiences growing up and may have little to do with the person we are currently in a relationship with. Insecure feelings can arise from a deep—likely injured—place within and need our compassionate attention. And until we learn to provide a secure base for ourselves, our insecurities will hurt the relationships we try to form with others.

If we don't attend to our insecurities, they often incite fears of inadequacy and abandonment, which can wear down both people in the relationship. No matter how supportive and reassuring our partners are, they will not resolve our deep-seated feelings about ourselves. As a result, they will likely become frustrated at their inability to help alleviate our suffering, which will place a great deal of stress on the relationship.

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