I am almost 10 years post-intensive post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and trauma treatment. Today I am 10 years older and a lot wiser in the ways of trauma and PTSD. Five years ago I just wanted to die. I didn’t care how it happened and had spent years thinking about how best to do that as I tumbled further and further into that place of despair and hopelessness that unprocessed trauma can take you.

I knew I couldn’t do “it” anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I couldn’t answer one more question about how I was because the next answer I would give would be the truth: I had spent the previous three decades hiding and I just didn’t have the ability, strength or even the interest anymore to pull off the charade.

I could no longer fake wanting to be here … on this earth.

I was done.

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